Button Up Your Overcoat

“Clothes make the man,” said Mark Twain. He went on to observe that “Naked people have little or no influence on society.” Of course that was before the internet brought sex tapes, nude selfies and Kim Kardashian’s ass to our desktops, but still, we get the idea.

Surely, the opposite is true for dogs. A Bulldog in a tuxedo or a Chihuahua in a tutu may crack us up, but I imagine the only influence they would exert on their doggie peers would be to make them pray fervently that they are never subjected to the same indignity.

Those of us who aren’t into animal cosplay do have some legitimate questions about dog haberdashery though.

For starters, does your dog need a coat?

As is so often the case in this weary world, the answer is, it depends; mostly it depends on the type of dog, the health of the dog and the climate where you live.

I have heard it said that if you feel like you need a sweater outside, then so does your dog.

Nope.

An Alaskan Malamute, Siberian Husky or Samoyed is not going to thank you for putting them into even a light sweater, on even the coldest day.

At the other extreme, if you own a Whippet, a Greyhound or an Azawakh (yes, it really is a dog breed) –

– you will need to put clothes on them at times; maybe even most of the time. These breeds have so little body fat that even on a warm spring day, they may shiver as hard as Kate Moss or Victoria Beckham faced with an all-you-can eat buffet.

I’ve also heard it said that all small dogs need a coat. Nope again. The Shetland Sheepdog or even a tough little Shih Tzu in a moderate climate are fine with the coat nature gave them.

Or consider the Pomeranian.

On the other hand, even big dogs with naturally thick coats like Poodles and Old English Sheepdogs, may appreciate a sweater if they have been recently shaved down.

Aside from temperature issues, there are other reasons to consider a coat, sweater or other types of covering for your dog.

We have boarded whippets whose skin was so thin that it could be ripped or torn just from brushing the edge of a coffee table. That dog’s owner wisely wrapped them up all the time, even if it was just in a light shirt indoors.

Older dogs may thank you for giving them a coat in the winter, especially if they have health problems or are arthritic.

Some people like to put their dogs into raincoats. Even a relatively warm shower can make those thin breeds with short coats shiver. Aside from that though, rain gear saves a lot of dog towelling when you return from a wet walk. There are raincoats that fold up into convenient pocket sized packages you can take along and unfold if you find yourselves in a deluge.

Some people swear by booties for their dogs’ feet, especially if they are being walked on icy city sidewalks which have been treated with salt and sand. Understandably, most dogs are going to find shoes highly objectionable. We’ve all guffawed at the internet videos of bootie-attired dogs attempting to walk while wearing an expression that pleads, “Please Lord, take me now.”.

My main objection to booties is that they have a habit of regularly coming off, especially if the dog is running and jumping.

Those ties or velcro strips are hard to secure to a dog’s straight foot and leg combo.

I’m not saying don’t do it. I’m just saying, be prepared to spend a lot of time persuading your dog to wear them, and then be vigilant about collecting them and putting them back on if they come off. Lots of people have persisted and swear by booties.

There are feet preserving alternatives to booties. The easiest is to simply make a practice of rinsing off your dog’s feet in warm clean water once you get her back to the laundry room at home. Or your can buy salves for the feet which you smear on before taking him out.

The other reason why people buy clothes for their dogs is for fun. Who wouldn’t want to dress their dog in Batman jammies?

If your dog is prepared to even suffer being stuffed into a wedding dress and tiara, then Auntie Awesome won’t judge, although she’s not making any promises about snickering.

In any event, if you are the owner of a dog who needs to be dressed warmly, then by all means pick a coat or sweater (or jammies) that look cute and fashionable as well as serve their purpose.

There is no reason why you can’t opt for both good looks and functionality in dog apparel.

But back to coats. At the pet resort, there were times when we had to get up to fifteen dogs into fifteen coats as quickly as humanly possible so they could run outside to pee and poop first thing in the morning. It was like trying to put pants on fifteen Homer Simpsons while doughnuts dangled just beyond reach.

You can see why the badly designed dog coat became an object of absolute loathing to us. By the same token, there were other coats that I fell in love with, especially a Canadian brand called Chilly Dogs.

I actually sent them an email, telling them I thought their coats are the best on the market. And I never do things like that.

Five factors that you absolutely must consider when you invest in a coat for your dog.

1. Easy to put on and take off: This might not rank as number one on everyone’s list. If you are only wrestling one dog into one coat, it may not seem like that big a deal to you, especially if you have a little dog that you can pick up and restrain while putting them into the coat. But if the choice is between a coat that slips onto your dog as easily as a crooked politician slips a payoff into his pocket, and one that requires the dog to stand still for long minutes while you stuff him into something that makes assembling an Ikea baby crib look simple, why wouldn’t you buy the one that’s easy to put on?

Ideally, you would try out the coat on your dog before buying it.

Some dogs object to having a coat tugged on over their heads. If your dog goes into full panic mode with this procedure, consider a simpler, blanket type coat that you throw over his back and secure with a strap around the abdomen.

Think very hard before buying a coat with legs.

While you may think it’s wonderful to keep the legs warm and dry, it can be hell getting the dog to put his legs into the pant legs. The best of these types of coats and sweaters are those designed for the coat to be securely on the dog before you have to manoeuvre the legs into the holes.

In the photos of the three Whippets above [internal ink back to photo above], Apple, Evan and Sky are wearing light shirts from Houndzinthehood.com which get pulled over their heads and bodies. Then, you lift each leg and put it into the leg hole. The coat stays in place during this procedure, because it’s already securely over their necks and on their backs.

The absolute worst are the coats that require you to start from the bottom up, putting all four legs into the pant legs before you wriggle the coat up and secure it from the top. You get one leg in and move on to the next, only to find the coat back on the floor because it’s fallen off and the dog has wriggled his first leg back out while you were trying to get the second leg in.

2. Buckle or clip fasteners: This ties in with ease of use. A buckle takes about a second to secure, and it should last as long as the coat does.

Many, many dog coats are secured with velcro straps. Sounds quick and convenient, but there is a fatal flaw. Dogs have dog hair. After a while, those velcro straps get absolutely clogged with it, as well as with fluff and lint from the dog coat itself.

Then the velcro straps stop holding together. The coat opens up and starts flapping around, quickly working its way around to hang from the dog’s belly, dragging in the mud. You grab the velcro strap, secure it again, only to have the whole process repeat itself within taking a few steps.

But if your only choice is between velcro tabs and a zipper closing, then yes, yay, velcro all the way.

It is clear to me that the person who decided to install a zipper to fasten a dog coat could never have actually put a dog coat on a dog.

Ever have to try several times to get the two pieces of the zipper pull on your coat seated so you can pull the zipper up? Then pull up the zipper without catching the fabric? Then imagine something soft and hairy under the zipper, like trying to pull up the zipper on tight, low slung jeans while going commando. Now imagine doing that while holding on to a dog who is, in all likelihood, wriggling madly in her excitement to be going out. Then imagine pulling it up with the risk, at any moment, of the zipper snagging in your dog’s fur, or worse, pinching her skin.

There is an accident waiting to happen.

Now imagine the zipper on the top of the dog coat, with the coat falling off every time you fail at getting the zipper to close.

It’s not much better if the zipper is on the bottom. You’ve got the dog in the coat. Nw she has to stand still while you stand on your head trying to see where the zipper fastener is, and get it seated.

Here’s a coat that manages to combine all the absolute worst features of a dog coat:

I guess that’s not entirely fair – it is waterproof and warm I presume. But just picture yourself trying to stuff all four of your dogs’ legs into those holes while holding the coat together on top of the dog’s back so the coat won’t fall off while you’re trying to get the legs in place. And then get the zipper to work.

If you take nothing else away from my diatribe about dog coats, never, ever buy a dog coat with a zipper.

3. Waterproof or at least water resistant: A good coat needs to keep the dog dry as well as warm. That lovely knit sweater or fleece may be great inside the house. But you can never predict when it’s going to rain. And snow melts.

People would bring lovingly handknitted wooly sweaters to the pet resort and ask us to make sure Fluffy wore it whenever she was outside. You’d take the Fluffster for a walk, it would start to rain and both Fluffy and the sweater would return to the kennel a sodden mess. Any dog coat with an untreated fabric exterior is going to present the same problem.

My favourite coats have a snuggly warm lining under a vinyl or other water repellent surface.

4. Fits well: Unfortunately, in North America at least, our paranoia about dogs in public places makes it unlikely that you will be able to take your dog with you when shopping for her coat. You won’t be able to try it on her for fit, so how do you know what size to buy?

Look online before hitting the store, or of course you can just order online. Manufacturers’ sites usually have sizing charts for particular types of coats. They should also have instructions on how to measure your dog.

Fit is important. A coat that is too big will inch its way around the dog’s belly as soon as he starts to move. Tiny dogs can and do walk right out of coats that are even a little too large.

An advantage of coats secured by straps is that you can loosen or extend the straps if your dog is still growing, or puts on weight.

What are you going to do with that zippered coat when your dog porks up and you can no longer get the zipper to close?

Don’t buy too big a size though, even with straps. You want the coat to fit snugly without having so much excess length of strap left over that it drags on the ground.

Think about how your dog will move in the coat. I prefer coats which are light but warm over those with thick bulk. If the coat is too bulky in proportion to the size of the dog, the dog won’t be able to move freely in it. A short necked, short legged, square bodied breed like a Pug wearing a too thick coat can look like a toddler in a bulky snowsuit, and have the same difficulty moving their legs.

5. Washable. That genuine fleece lined coat may look really spiffy, but make sure you can throw it in the washing machine if your dog decides to roll in a mud puddle while wearing it.

Those are the biggies.

Some other things to bear in mind

There should be an opening though which you can easily attach the leash to the collar or harness underneath the coat.

Reflective strips which make your dog more easily visible at night are a nice feature.

Some coats feature pockets, where you can stash your poop bags. With a large breed like a Lab, you can opt for a coat with pouches on the sides and make Rover carry your cell phone and water bottle. Hey, Labs are working dogs, let them work.

You can get coats with a collar and/or a hood, or you can buy a hood separately.

By the way, if you’re wondering why this article doesn’t include any comment on clothes for cats?

Do I need to say anything more?