If Dogs and Cats Wrote Letters to Santa

Only a few weeks until Christmas. Wifey has bought her husband the cordless power drill he specifically told her to buy for him, even down to writing out the Amazon item number. Hubby has bought his wife a dressing gown, because the last time he bought her clothes, they were too small and she didn’t speak to him until well into the new year.

The dressing gown may be muumuu-like and vaguely resemble a small tent, but at least it is bound to fit.

Together they bought the scented soap for Grandma and the sweater for Gramps and the ‘it’ toys for the kids. Probably something Star Wars themed, because it turns out The General and I are essentially buying the same freaking toys for our grandchildren that we bought for our own kids 35 years ago. Kids still want action figures, Lego, Nerf and Playmobil, and they still want them all Star Wars themed. I thought we’d be buying them jet packs by now, at the very least.

I cannot adequately express my disappointment at the lack of jet packs on the shelves of our local toy store.

Human Christmas shopping is borrrrrring.

Having established that, let’s take a peak at what Rover and Fluffy would ask Santa for, if only they had opposable thumbs and forefingers and could hold a pen. Or understand a QWERTY keyboard.

Dear Santa Paws: I have been a very good dog this year. If anyone tells you different, I beg you to ignore them. The cat smashed that expensive vase. I swear.

Thank you for the Chuckit ball launcher you brought me last year. We’ve had a lot of fun with that, but this year my friend Spike put me on to something called a Nerf Tennis Ball Blaster. I don’t know exactly what a blaster is aside from that’s what my dad calls it when I fart. But farts or tennis balls are both very exciting in my world.

I heard my mom and dad say that mom is getting a Christmas bonus this year. So maybe they can even afford to bribe you sufficiently to bring me the Gotcha Talking Dog Fetch Toy. My other friend Atlas told me it only takes small balls, but I am just a Jack Russell, so I have really small balls.

Wait. That came out wrong.

Atlas has bigger balls so he has a big ball dispenser.

I overheard my grandma saying that she was doing puzzles to keep her aging brain active. I am six. I was thinking maybe I should do some puzzles too. For my brain. The fact that dog puzzle toys have treats in them is completely irrelevant to me asking for one. Perhaps chess or one of the Nina Ottosson Interactive Dog Puzzle. Fifi the whippet told me Nina Ottosson toys are quite fashionable.

I also like the looks of the Kong Babbler. It doesn’t dispense treats, but it makes sudden unexpected movements and we Jack Russell Terriers are all about sudden, unexpected movements – our own or those of the neighbourhood squirrels.

The Busy Buddy Tug-a-Jug is cheap and has it all going on – treats, rope tug toy and a knobbly thingie to chew on.

Most of all Santa, I want a little friend, even if it’s just a talking hamster

Whatever you bring me, please don’t let them buy the matching pjs for “you and your dog”. I get enough humiliation from the cat Seems to be only bottoms for the human though, so that could be interesting.

That’s about it. I hope to see you on Christmas Eve this year. I always seem to miss your arrival, even though you’d think the smell from all those reindeer would be a dead give away. Perhaps the cookies they leave for you are a distraction. I never, ever touch them though Santa. There were only ever three cookies on that plate. I swear it.

This is a photo of me dressed like you. Hope you like it!

Love, Rover

P.S. You can ignore the next letter if you want. It’s from Fluffy the cat, and I’m here to tell you that she is the very opposite of “Nice”!

Dear Sandy Claws:

This order comes to you courtesy of my human secretary who I have ordered to take down my dictation. This human dares to tell me that it is customary to begin with a statement attesting to my impeccable behaviour over the course of the last year.

Why on earth would I bother with such silliness? I am a cat. Anything I do is therefore graceful, stunningly intelligent and justified. Although I hardly need add the last. The fact that I feel like doing something is self-evidently good and sufficient justification for doing it.

Now, on to the more important matter of what I expect to receive for Christmas.

Auntie Awesome told me one of her cats loves the Yosoo 4, a toy they got her last year which is a fabric circle hiding a mouse which races around just under the edge of the circle in erratic and exciting ways. That seems acceptable.

Another toy recommended by one of Auntie Awesome’s cats is a “Real Bird”s that makes noises when you swat it.

I have repeatedly told my humans that I wish to exit this dwelling in order to catch some of the butterflies that wander by outside the window.

They seem deaf to my orders in this regard. There is an interactive toy with fake butterflies on offer, which I must reluctantly conclude is the only way I am likely to ever get my sharp claws on a butterfly.

My laser toy seems to have disappeared under the couch, so you can bring me a new one. While spread out on my human’s laptop, I noticed there is a laser machine which would be a help for when my humans become inexplicably bored with operating the laser pointer themselves.

On the subject of mechanically operated amusement devices, I have heard The Dog (I can’t be bothered to remember his name) yapping about operating some sort of ball launcher. I am given to understand that there is a version of a ball launcher designed for cats. Of course, no one expects a cat to actually push a pedal or button, or whatever it is The Dog says he could do if he had a such a device. But still, the human servants can load it up with balls and it will spit them out at intervals for me to chase.

I enjoy getting away from the humans (not to mention The Dog) and since ’tis the season, you could provide a Santa hat hidey house for me. I believe it makes a rather intriguing crinkly sound when occupied.

And because we just can’t escape Star Wars and I would die rather than miss out on a trend, BB-8 makes a rather interesting bobble toy.

I was at the cat hotel last year over Christmas. There was a thing jiggling around on the floor and making entrancing noises while twerking a feather. I absolutely need to have one of my own.

The Dog told me about puzzles that are supposed to keep your brain active. While it is hardly necessary for a superior being like a cat, I suppose my human servant might feel better if I had one.

Finally, my friend Tiffany was spotted wearing jewelry over her butt. I am undecided about whether or not to adopt this look. I do rather wonder what one does when attending to bodily functions. But as Tiffany correctly pointed out, why should we felines concern ourselves with that? Fishing things out of litter boxes is what the humans are for.

Below is a simply hilarious photo of Tiffany who in addition to butt jewelry, was made by her humans to put on this ridiculous Santa hat. The humiliation is delicious. Why, you’d think she was a Dog!

Yours in the firm expectation that you will provide a fabulous Christmas,

Mistress Queen of All the Universe

*Known in the family as Fluffy (Note added by the human secretary)