Ah, the decorated house at Christmas!
See the cat in the wing chair? If you believe everything you read and hear, she’s plotting how to kill herself, or at the very least, make her owners spend Christmas at the vet’s, where they will add thousands of dollars to their already overburdened Visa.
The Christmas tree with its fragrant pine needles. Wait! Those needles will kill your cat!! The Christmas tree water? Full of bacteria and toxic tree sap and if you use a chemical preservative? That can kill your cat!
“Okay,” you say, “I’ll get an artificial tree. That should be safe.”
Nope, could be toxic and – you guessed it – can kill your cat. Artificial snow – toxic.
The shiny tinsel on the tree. Yep, check, that can kill your cat.
That woman is teaching her innocent child the best way to murder Fluffy.
Those popcorn and cranberry garlands? Just waiting to become obstructions in the intestinal tract. Those shiny ornaments? If they’re glass, the cat knocks them down and they shatter? Prepare for your house to look like an abattoir as Fluffy tracks blood from her cut pads all over. The wire hangars attaching them to the tree can kill your cat.
Extensions cords for the pretty lights? Cat chews on it, cats gets electrified. The pretty lights get hot. Cat gets a burned nose.
Holly? Mistletoe? Check and check. Cat killers. The amaryllis plant some lame secret Santa gave you at the office party? Deadly. Poinsettias? Cat killers.
Actually, poinsettias are just mildly toxic, but I’m going with a theme here.
Ribbons and string on parcels? Adhesives and glues on that craftily wrapped present? Cat killers.
And let’s not forget all the wonderfully dangerous open flames.
“Just after he ate the ribbons and the wire attaching the red ball to those parcels, Schopenhauer ran past me with his tail on fire. I guess he got tragically close to that beautiful Christmas tree candle. Oh well, he may be a pile of ashes now, but at least we saved on paying a vet bill for the blockage caused by the ribbons.”
Hanukkah is known as “The Nine Days of Death” within cat circles.
Oh look, so cute! The cat is on the counter eating the turkey carcass. Aaaahhh!!! Pancreatitis will make an appearance before Santa!
The sugar in chocolate and candy canes (okay, more a dog thing, but cats will eat those shiny wrappers) will also bring a visit to the vet, if not death from toxic shock, as will the Xylitol in the sugar free gum you put in the stockings and the perfume and aftershave you buy for Memaw and Pop Pop every goddam year. If the cat gets into it, curtains.
Is Christmas really just an obstacle course of deathtraps for your cat?
Look, we’ve owned over thirty cats in our life and none of them died or even required a trip to the vet as the result of the horrors filling the house at Christmas.
We did eventually give up on having a Christmas tree, but that was after our resident cat population got to ten. With so many of them intent on climbing it, tipping it over and knocking ornaments off of it, we just gave up.
Cats do eat tinsel and other stringy things and get blockages. They can get sick from toxic substances and they can get pancreatitis if you overindulge them with treats.
Here’s what you do. Exercise common sense and foresight.
1. Put the tree, whether real or artificial, in a room with a door, and don’t let the cats in there unless you’re there to watch them.
2. Put all wrapped presents (and wrapping supplies) in that room to secure them against the cats as well, or in a closet if you don’t have a room you can close off.
3. And if you don’t have a room you want to close off for the duration of the holidays when you’re not there, then decorate with the cat in mind. Use plastic twist ties to hold your ornaments on. Secure your tree to the wall so the cats can’t knock it over. Don’t use tinsel. For sure, don’t tie tinsel or ribbons around your cat’s neck.
You’re just daring him to while away the hours until Santa Claws arrives, trying to eat that ribbon.
4. When decking the halls, put those boughs of holly, mistletoe and any other toxic substances up high somewhere the cat can’t reach. Be vigilant about picking up stray berries or other parts of decorations that drop off and end up on the floor.
5. Be vigilant, period. Keep scanning your house and watching what your cat goes after. Then remove it, if it appears to pose a danger to the cat.
And do I really have to say it? Don’t leave lighted candles anywhere around an unsupervised cat.
Now enjoy Simon’s cat destroying the tree.